James Bond the womanizer. James Bond the intelligence icon. James Bond the clotheshorse. And maybe, James Bond the tour guide? Hmmm. Sound odd? Well, that's what a popular online subscription-based column reported a few weeks back: Roger Moore, ex-devilishly suave 007, is in fact the voice that you hear in the English audio guide at the Forbidden City.

I certainly didn't remember hearing Mr Moore's dulcet tones when I last visited. Apparently, neither did many others. The following week, the column printed a correction saying that Moore was no longer the voice that enlightens foreigners about ancient Chinese pottery.

Still, the idea isn't an entirely preposterous one, is it? Getting Hollywood stars to spruik red-eyed newcomers around the capital? As China's profile continues to grow at the rate of Oprah's calorie count, what publicity-starved, rehab-visitin', Hummer-drivin', environmental-sloganeerin', Prius-drivin' celebrity wouldn't want their name attached to the Olympic city?

And as with every new venture involving impressionable, vain, wealthy and deluded famous-types, a middle-man is required. Someone who can arrange lunch between their "people" and the local tourist organizations. Someone who can book pedicures for their L.A. entourages and above all else, someone who can charge like a wounded bull for the service.

I'm selflessly nominating myself for such a position.

Why me? Hell, I've seen enough movies and read enough tabloid fare. I've spent a decent chunk of my years with my rump glued to the couch watching everything from Sandra Bullock stinkers to more high brow fair like, you know, films by those beret-wearing, wine-with-breakfast-drinkin' French guys. It's really just a matter of matching the right celeb with the right gig.

For example, let's start with the Great Wall. You could take the fanciful approach, like getting the guys from Prison Break to talk about how long it would take to tunnel underneath Badaling. Alternatively, there's the realism route, like getting a disheveled Nick Nolte or Lindsay Lohan to say something like, "I hit a few walls in my time but I've never hit anything like this".

Summer Palace. Easy. A smiling George Hamilton delivering the line: "You don't get a tan like this unless its summer all year long." As part of the launch he could croon from a flotilla in the middle of the Kunming Lake, although you'd have to pick a relatively smog-less day so the crowds could actually see him.

Other options include a scantily clad Angelina Jolie with the tag line: "You think I'm hot? Check out this endless Summer." Ange might be a difficult get though, considering her latest role as Africa's mum. But failing her, Jessica Simpson would probably do it for the price of a Stars and Stripes bikini and a set of talking books.

Anyway, my number is 555-STARVING-JOURNO. I'm happy to talk with anyone, as long as trashy magazines regularly gossip you about. Oh, and I'd prefer if you didn't call me "baby" or say that I am "money".

(China Daily 10/30/2007 page20)