The Olympic torch relay dramas mean nothing to my American buddy Barry. His biggest drama involves those annoying little facial expressions adored by millions of teenage MSN message users all over the world.

Because of some technical glitch, Barry from Cali is unable to use the must-have smiley face and it's driving him nuts. Baz has emailed MSN technicians six times, carefully documenting his correspondence, and has spent ages on the phone trying to have the problem fixed.

But still, there is no smile on his dial. He really, really, really wants Mr Smiley and to my utter bewilderment, it is the chief topic of recent conversations. Barry is 42 years old.

Expat life can do that to us. The smallest things can trigger us off and hell hath no fury like an expat scorned. I saw a foreign fellow riding his bicycle on the busy Beijing streets and a car pushed past him, as cars do in the capital. It was a typical Beijing rush hour and everything was moving at 8km/h.

But the bike guy really lost it. He kept screaming long after the car crossed his path. His dummy spit was such a contrast to the other cyclists, who were also cut off, but were completely oblivious to the great traffic injustice. The expat looked just like one of those red-colored huffer/puffer MSN faces.

MSN messaging is an institution in most Chinese offices and most users tag their one-line comments with a different face. Some load up a Mr Smiley on almost every message. The smile, the wink, the zipped up lips - that means shut up - and the red-faced angry guy, have become the essential tools of modern-day communication.

"Why did you say that?" Curious face (with hand on chin). "I'll check that out." Face turning around searching with hand raised to forehead. "Let me think." Screwed up face. "Cool." Face wears sunglasses.

And of course there are the many different smiley options between a full-teeth grin to a sneaky smirk.

Baz is still feeling very left out. The issue is unresolved and it's almost driving him to tears.

I wished I had snapped a picture of that seething cyclist. If Baz fired off a picture of that guy's face to the MSN technical support team, they would be on to his case faster than one of their messages.

Blazing eyes, furrowed brow, red cheeks - nothing will be lost in translation. The bike dude looked like a crazy Peking Opera villain.

Maybe sending real facial expressions instead of words is the way to go. We could take a series of headshots of ourselves expressing our ever-changing moods.

Face-and-emotion.com says there are seven types of facial expressions. You are either happy, sad, angry, fearful, disgusted, startled or feeling contempt or shame. Other experts say the happy face uses less facial muscles than any other.

Abraham Lincoln said: "Most folks are as happy as they make their minds to be." My mind will be happy when Barry zips up about those damn smiley faces.

(China Daily 04/14/2008 page10)